


Kind Lie

by AzureMarie



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Character Study, Chronic Illness, DRV3 Spoilers I guess?, Descriptions of Blood, Gen, Hope's Peak AU, Non-Despair AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-01-30 10:56:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12652200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AzureMarie/pseuds/AzureMarie
Summary: Kaito Momota has dreams to chase, promises to keep, and a life to live.Being sick with an unknown disease that's possibly going to kill him was not part of his plan.Neither was Kokichi Ouma.





	1. 現状否定 — genjouhitei

**Author's Note:**

> Alt. Title:  
>  **語るに落ちる - Kataru ni Ochiru - To Let a Secret Slip**

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> denial of the existing situation

“Kaito, your frustration is to be expected, but you can’t just ignore something because you don’t like it.”

“Like hell I can’t!” Kaito shouts, jumping out of his chair. An immediate and frantic wave of dizziness rolls through him, but he plants his feet and fights for balance. “Giving up is never the answer. When something gets in your way, you’ve gotta battle it head on and stay determined. The only thing holding anyone back is themselves!” he proclaims as he slams his fists together, standing tall, proud, and hopeful.

Kaito believes in his words. He’s proven to himself, to his friends—hell, to the whole fucking world—that anything is possible if you try hard enough.

Mrs. Ryousha isn’t as moved by his words as Kaito had hoped. As his personal psychiatrist appointed to him by the space program, she knows him well enough to expect his never ending display of reckless determination. She’s one of many who helped convince the space program to accept an underage teen into training despite all the rules, moved and impressed with his potential. Now, she's the one who refusing him access to the very same program.

“Kaito, I wish things could be different for you, I really do,” she says with a sad smile. She looks at him with pity that he refuses to accept. “My daughter loves your story. You’ve managed to inspire her and many others to believe in their dreams and never stop chasing them.

“I really wish she wouldn’t have to find out that the Ultimate Astronaut isn’t ever going to make it into space,” she continues.

“That’s bullshit,” Kaito replies. “I’m going to fucking space. I’m Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars. Nothing is getting between me and my dream. I broke the law to apply to here, I’ve fought like hell to beat and exceed people’s expectations—there’s no way I’m letting some stupid thing like being sick to get in my way.”

The look of pity only grows sadder, and all Kaito wants to do is storm out of here and go vent out his anger in training, because he’s going lash out at this innocent psychiatrist if she doesn’t stop pushing.

But he can’t. He has to get through to her first, so that he can then go to confront his personal trainer and doctor, and then be allowed to continue his astronaut training.

“Kaito, if your illness was at least identifiable, we could talk about your future relationship with our space program—we’d love to have you as a trainer, researcher, or perhaps eventually as the program director—but right now, we have no idea what’s happening to your body.”

The implication is clear: she thinks he’s going to die.

“I’m sure as hell not sick,” he shouts, “and I’m not fucking dying anytime soon!”

The words reverberate through the room and a heavy silence follows. Mrs. Ryousha purses her lips and is visibly tense. Kaito knows that this lady isn’t really the source of his anger, but he can’t stand another second of listening to her “reason” with him.

“Nobody knows what’s wrong with me,” he continues. “So that means I could get better.”

She refuses to look at him now, and Kaito gets more frustrated. His left leg tenses up but he pushes it against the ground to keep it from bouncing.

“I’ll get better,” he declares. “And I’ll fucking prove it to you, to my doctor, and anyone else who dared to doubt the Ultimate Astronaut.

“I’m Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars, and I am going to space.”

The words fall flat on his psychiatrist, but they fill Kaito with hope. He smiles to himself, and marches out of the room.

———

Kaito quickly slides out from his desk and runs up to the front of the class before his friend can leave. “Hey Maki Roll, you’re joining me for training today, yeah?”

“Stop calling me that,” she responds instinctively, but they both know it’s more of an inside joke rather than an actual complaint. Kaito grins at her familiar response, and Maki tries to hide her pleasure with a glare.

“Shouldn’t you be asking if you can be joining us?” Maki eventually responds, eyeing Shuichi across the room talking to Kiibo.

Kaito had started the daily after-school training group with Shuichi in his attempt to help the detective build up his confidence around others. After he managed to rope Maki into joining them, training after school became a sort of tradition between them. Sometimes others would join them–Kaede visited most often, but sometimes Gonta, Ryoma, or Tenko would join them as well.

For the past few weeks, Kaito had to miss their training to go see doctors and researchers about his bullshit “illness”—not that Maki and Shuichi knew about that—but at least now he was finally free to spend time with his friends.

It’d be better if Kaito had gained back his free time knowing everything will be okay, instead of knowing that the doctors are giving up on him. However, Kaito is determined to make everything okay himself.

He’s glad to hear that Shuichi and Maki kept training without him, but he can’t wait to be with them again.

“Hey, I wouldn't be a good leader if I didn’t give my two sidekicks some bonding time!” Kaito grins.

“So that’s why you haven’t been joining us,” Maki says skeptically. She doesn’t seem suspicious or angry; she’s just amused by his normal behaviour. Kaito’s glad she’s not actually pressing his statement, because he doesn’t know if he could lie to his friends, and he’s really hoping he’ll never need to find out.

“Hey Shuichi!” Kaito shouts, startling his sidekick from across the room. “You ready for the most intensive training routine yet?”

Shuichi immediately understands the implication that Kaito is joining them again, and his sidekick’s smile only makes Kaito grin wider.

After Shuichi and Kiibo finish their conversation, the Ultimate Robot exits with a wave and the three of them head to the courtyard after changing.

Walking across the school’s perfectly kept field, Kaito relishes the warm sunlight. The past few weeks have left him feeling tense and cold, but in this moment, he feels comfortable, warm, and healthy. He takes large composed breaths, lets his shoulders relax, and basks in the tranquility of the moment.

Once they reach their usual spot in the far corner of the field, Kaito whips around quickly and smiles at his two followers.

“So what did you have planned?” Shuichi asks, oddly excited.

Kaito chooses to respond by dropping to the ground, stretching his arms behind him on the grass.

“First, I need proof that you guys have been working hard while I was gone,” he demands.

Shuichi tilts his head incredulously and Maki rolls her eyes. “Seriously?” she asks.

Kaito nods and waits for them to do something, and thankfully, they do. The two of them rush through some stretches, and follow up with some basic but useful exercises, taught to them by Kaito, Tenko, and Maki herself.

Then they move on to some basic fighting katas, ones that mix a variety of fighting styles that they’ve managed to pick up.

It’s always fun to watch Maki and Shuichi spar; Shuichi carefully plans out every move, eyes darting around frantically to react to Maki’s actions. Maki herself looks as calm and bored as ever, but Kaito knows her mind is racing. She instinctively forces a pattern that Shuichi adapts to, and once he’s comfortable, she speeds up and adds in extra movements to throw him off. She waits for him to adapt again, and then repeats the process.

While Kaito has been working hard to improve Shuichi’s confidence in his detective skills and in himself, Maki forces Shuichi to trust his instincts.

His original sidekick still has far to go, but just thinking about how much he’s grown puts Kaito’s mind at ease.

When Kaito’s in space, the detective is going to have to fend for himself, and Kaito has no doubt that Shuichi’s future is going to be amazing.

He’d like to be there for it, but he’s got his own dreams to follow.

“We’re done,” Maki announces suddenly.

Reeling, Kaito immediately regrets not spending the last few minutes creating some sort of plan for training, because there’s no way he’s going to make it through training, much less lead it.

Kaito opens his mouth, not ready to say anything, but fuck—he needs to, and—

“Could I get help?” a friendly voice suddenly calls to them.

As Gonta’s huge figure rushes towards them, Shuichi looks concerned. “Did something happen?”

Gonta nods sadly. “Somebody open door to bug container. I need to catch all my friends again, but some are too fast for me.”

Kaito vaguely realizes that Gonta is really here for Maki’s help, but he appreciates this opportunity. He jumps up from the grass, and points towards the school dramatically.

“Alright, my sidekicks, today we’ll be training our bug catching skills!” he announces. Shuichi and Maki don’t protest, and Gonta smiles widely.

“Thank you very much!”

The trio make their way back to the school, and the next couple of hours are spent running around the biology lab in vain attempts to catch stupidly small bugs that they could barely see. But they have fun fooling around: Kaito triesd to catch Maki off guard by catching her in his bug net, and she quickly getsgot her revenge by tripping him with the same net a few minutes later.

Shuichi keepskept making up extremely intricate plans to corner off and capture small bugs. He would stares at the tiny thing for minutes before making some extremely dramatic but efficient swipe to capture it. It’d be much more impressive if the targets weren’t, y’know, mindless tiny bugs, but Shuichi seemsed so pleased that neither Maki or Kaito wanted to point out that Gonta was doing the same thing in mere seconds and with a _lot_ less planning.

In the end, they manage to help Gonta out and recapture everything. Shuichi and Maki are tired and breathless, but they smile with satisfaction. Kaito’s chest tightens, his throat burning with every breath—but he smiles too.

**———**

“The answer’s still no, Kaito,” Mrs. Ryousha tells him.

His foot taps continuously on the ground and his fists curls, but he takes a deep breath and controls himself.

“Give me any test to pass, and I’ll pass it,” he declares, but the lady shakes her head.

“This isn’t even a matter of your physical health any more,” she responds, eyes downcast. “As your psychologist, right now I would work to have you removed from the program simply for your mental health.”

It’s a cold statement, and Kaito wants to be angry at her, but he can’t when she’s clearly just as upset about this as he is.

A sharp pain snaps his attention to his hands; his fists are curled up so tightly that his arms are shaking. He forces them to relax, but he doesn’t have to look up to know that she’s watching his every move, and further proving her case.

“What d’ya mean?” he asks, even when he knows what she’s going to say

The psychiatrist frowns, but does her job. “What’s happening to you is surprising and unfair, but you need to be able to accept it. The way you’re recklessly refusing to acknowledge your reality isn’t good for you, and frankly, will impede your determination to recover from your illness.”

His left hand shakes again. He spreads out his fingers on his tapping leg, gripping it tightly.

“If you want to work through your illness, you first need to deal with yourself,” she clarifies.

Kaito doesn’t want to hear anything of this, so he just nods.

“I know you have a large group of supportive friends—have you talked to any of them?”

Closing his eyes, he tries to imagine telling Maki and Shuichi—the two people that need him the most—that he’s sick, and maybe going to die (but he’s not going to die, and he’s not sick).

“No—I can’t.” He doesn’t offer any explanation.

Aside from a small “hmm”, Mrs. Ryousha takes a while to respond. “I understand waiting until you’ve accepted this to let the people you care about know. But remember, when they find out you’re keeping this from them, they’ll be more upset.”

Kaito imagines telling Maki. Proving to her that everyone that gets close to her ends up dead. Breaking her trust that he had fought so hard earn. Watching her isolate herself again, never forgiving the world for being so cruel, and despising herself for ever being foolish enough to think otherwise.

Or Shuichi—who’s learning to trust himself and believe in the truth, who doubts himself too much—who doesn’t just need a push in the right direction, but a guiding hand that’s ready to catch him and support him through all his mistakes. Who could fall right at the end of his journey, because that guiding hand would violently jerk him down.

Telling Kaede, Keebo, or anyone else in his class is not even an option, because his best friends are the Ultimate Detective and the Ultimate Threatening Person. If they teamed up to search for secrets, no one could hide from them.

At his continued silence, the psychiatrist frowns. “There’s another option I could recommend. If it goes well, I genuinely think I’d clear you for training—mentally, at least.”

It sounds like blackmail, almost, but Kaito knows it’s for his own good, so he suppresses any uneasiness and indignation.

“You’re a people person, Kaito, and I think that isolating yourself is the worst thing you could do for yourself. You can’t tell your friends, and you don’t want to go to a public therapy group, because you also want to avoid any of this getting out to the public.”

Kaito nods.

Mrs. Ryousha leans out of her chair, and grabs a pamphlet from a stack.

“There’s a private therapy company that hosts online groups for teens from all over Japan. It’s anonymous, but you can only join if you’re invited, so nobody on there will be dangerous or untrustworthy. You can meet with other people, participate in group chats, hear other people’s stories, and talk about anything you feel like without risk.

“It’d be completely private, and I’d only get involved if any users feel that you’re unsafe.”

“And how often would I have to do this?” Kaito asks.

Mrs. Ryousha sighs. “Only as much as you’d like. This isn’t just something for you to do and get over with. Take this at your own pace, and I’ll let you know when I see improvement.”

Kaito wants to get mad again, but there’s nothing to be angry about. It’s all reasonable, it all makes sense, but his specialty is relentlessly working hard at a goal until he achieves it. Being given an ambiguous target and absolutely no time limit isn’t something he knows how to deal with. It seems unachievable, impossible, and completely unfair.

But…

He has to go to space. He has to inspire the people around him. He needs to fulfill all his promises.

This is just one small step towards reaching his goal. Just one small thing he has to guide himself through, and then he’ll work out his sickness, and then he’ll achieve everything that he has to.

“Alright,” Kaito declares, with his trademark grin finally reappearing, “I’ll do it. I’ll get through this.”

Mrs. Ryousha gives him a small smile and hands him the pamphlet. “I really hope you do.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Chapter 1 is just a short introduction to Kaito's character. The biggest challenge I had writing this was reminding myself that Kaito isn't a perfect guy—he just likes to act like one. I mostly played off of canonical facts: he can get angry quickly, and he can very heavily deny what he doesn't like. 
> 
> Please leave a comment if you like something, want to speculate (nee-heehee), or have any constructive criticism to offer ^-^
> 
> If a majority of people would like me to switch to using Japanese names (i.e. honourifics), then I probably will.
> 
> Next chapter will be up on Wednesday!
> 
> (Also: new [DRV3 blog](https://azure-v3.tumblr.com) I just created, feel free to follow me for updates and wonderful Kokichi+Kaito content)


	2. 手間取る— temadoru

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> to meet unexpected difficulties, to take time

**_Usami:_ ** _Hello! How is everyone doing today?_

 ** _se1k1:_** _Good!_

 ** _shuuyou_ni:_** _things have gotten better this week_

 ** _n4kiw4r4i:_** _!! :D_

 ** _se1k1:_** _That’s great!_

 ** _dowasure:_** _Glad to hear_

 ** _shuuyou_ni:_** _thanks :)_

 ** _Usami:_** _I’m very glad to hear that! You deserve this._

 ** _Usami:_** _It’s great that things are starting to look up for you, and we’ll continue to support you here._

 ** _shuuyou_ni:_** _thanks Usami <3_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _So, what are we doing today?_

 ** _Usami:_** _That’s right! I have an important announcement to make!_

Kaito inhales sharply. His hands hover over his keyboard, making him uncharacteristically quiet.

 ** _Usami:_** _We have a new member with us today!_

 **_dowasure:_ ** _Welcome!_

 **_se1k1:_ ** _Hello, and welcome!_

 ** _n4kiw4r4i:_** _hi!! nice to have you join us ^-^_

 **_mochiroku:_ ** _helloo_

 ** _Usami:_** _Would you like to introduce yourself?_

The entire chat pauses to give the new member some time to write. Kaito aligns his hands on his keys, but there’s nothing to input. Tapping the keys lightly, he struggles to remember the last time he ever had any difficulty knowing what to say.

There’s an unfamiliar tightness in his chest. His jaw is clenched, his mind is racing, but it’s when his hands begin to quiver that Kaito draws the line.

He moves his (definitely not shaking) right hand to the trackpad of his laptop, ready to quit the program and find some sort of better solution to this made up problem, when a new message pops up.

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _You’re overthinking this, aren’t you?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _You don’t need to tell us your name and your life story, if that’s what you’re worried about._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _You don’t have to talk about yourself at all. Just say hi._

His hands obey—

 ** _newuser851815:_** _hi_

—and Kaito nearly smacks himself in the head.

He was so grateful to have help that he forgot to think. Quickly, he types more to save his dignity.

 **_newuser851815:_ ** _nice to meet you all_

 ** _newuser851815:_** _thanks for having me_

 **_n4kiw4r4i:_ ** _hii_

 ** _shuuyou_ni:_** _nice to meet you too_

 ** _n4kiw4r4i:_** _^_

 **_mochiroku:_ ** _^^_

 ** _se1k1:_** _Welcome  : )_

 **_Usami:_ ** _We’re delighted to have you._

 **_newuser851815:_ ** _thanks_

 ** _se1k1:_** _So what brings you here?_

 ** _se1k1:_** _Not that you have to talk about it, of course!!_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to._

Kaito pauses.

 ** _newuser851815:_** _I’m here to talk about myself, I guess_

After a quick mental debate, he also adds:

 ** _newuser851815:_** _And to prove that I’m fine_

The chat goes silent.

Above the bar where Kaito types his messages, the program tells him who’s typing. usotsuki starts typing, but then deletes whatever they had written. Nobody else makes any move until Usami begins to type.

 **_Usami:_ ** _We’re all here to help and support you! Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you._

Kaito still feels unusually tense, but Usami’s kindness calms him down, at least a little. With a small smile, his hands type with a little more conviction.

 **_newuser851815:_ ** _Thanks!_

Now that Usami’s introduced him, she moves on a weekly group discussion. It’s explained to Kaito that once a week they hold group conversations, but they aren’t required to attend. For the rest of the week they are free to use the program however they want. There’s not much to do in the program except talk to others, but talking to people about his “problems” is what Kaito is here for in the first place. There’s no homework, assignments, or anything that Kaito is required to do—so at least this won’t interfere with school or training. All Kaito needs to do is talk about his theoretical problems with other people and prove that he’s handling everything well. After that, he’s just a few steps away from getting back on course with his goals.

Appropriately, “Future Plans and Goals” is what the theme of today’s discussion is. shuuyou_ni talks about how he plans to keep up the positive changes in his life, and how he’s going to talk to his teachers about redoing tests he did poorly, so that he’s able to apply to his ideal university. They help n4kiw4r4i plan out what to say to her divorcing parents, and se1k1 talks about finally stepping up against some pretty awful-sounding friends.

Even though Kaito already knows his goal and has a perfect plan on how to achieve it, he keeps silent. He ends giving a lot of advice, because it’s what he’s used to and it seems to be appreciated. usotsuki and Usami usually backup and support what he says, so Kaito figures he’s doing _something_ right.

Everyone talks and talks—in the end, only Kaito and usotsuki don’t say anything about themselves. The hour almost runs up, and despite spending a majority of that time helping others, Kaito feels oddly dissatisfied with himself.

 ** _usotsuki:_** _So what about you, new guy?_

When logging into this program, Kaito thought he wasn’t going to want to talk about anything, but... as the time to speak slowly began to ran out, Kaito was startled to find himself feeling unhappy about his silence.

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Anything you wanna share?_

Kaito’s hands freeze, unsure of what he wanted to.

 **_newuser851815:_ ** _not yet_

He pauses. The fact that he’s feeling unsure about this allows him to realize a lot. He _needs_ to do this to move on through his plan, but that’s not the only thing he’s thinking about; he actually _wants_ to talk someone about this “problem”—even though he still refuses to believe that he has any problem to begin with.

 **_newuser851815:_ ** _next week I will_

 **_newuser851815:_ ** _I’ll be ready then, I guess_

A response comes immediately.

 ** _usotsuki:_** _And what’s going to be different in one week?_

Kaito frowns at the question that he can’t understand the intent of.

 **_newuser851815:_ ** _I’ll know what I want to say_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _But whatever you want to talk about isn’t going to change in a week, right?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _The truth of your situation won’t change—the only thing you’re going to decide in a week is how much you’re going to hide from us._

His hands jab into his keys.

 **_newuser851815:_ ** _Or maybe I just don’t want to believe that I have problems, alright?_

 **_newuser851815:_ ** _I need more time to deal with this_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _So by next week, you’re going to ready to admit that you have some sort of problem?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _How?_

 ** _n4kiw4r4i:_** _oooh, I get it_

Kaito completely misses n4kiw4r4i’s comment as his hands furiously fly across the keyboard.

 **_newuser851815:_ ** _I don’t know—by just doing it?? by facing up to what I don’t like??_

 ** _se1k1:_** _wow, he did it again._

 **_Usami:_ ** _It’s great that you have a goal and plan for next week! I hope you’ll be able to achieve it, and please let us know if we can help you in any way. It’d be great for you to accomplish what you want, but remember not to push yourself too hard._

Kaito freezes.

He rereads Usami’s comment, then does it again, scrolls up to take a look at a look at the trap he just fell for, and slams his face into his hands.

 ** _dowasure:_** _sometimes the hardest step to recovery is admitting you have a problem_

 **_dowasure:_ ** _wow sorry that sounds bad_

 **_dowasure:_ ** _that cliche line doesn’t just apply to addictions and stuff—it can apply to anything_

 ** _se1k1:_** _It might be different from your situation, but it took me a very long time to admit to myself that my friends were treating me unfairly_

 ** _shuuyou_ni:_** _it was hard for me too_

 ** _shuuyou_ni:_** _sometimes you just want to believe anything other than the truth_

 ** _n4kiw4r4i:_** _every moment when you pretend that everything is okay, it becomes even harder to accept that it isn’t_

 ** _n4kiw4r4i:_** _that’s what I experienced, at least_

usotsuki begins to type, and then deletes whatever they wrote.

 ** _Usami:_** _This is a very large step to take in one week, but as many of us have struggled with something similar, please feel free to ask us for our advice or experience._

 ** _n4kiw4r4i:_** _yeah ^-^_

 ** _mochiroku:_** _^_

 ** _se1k1:_** _^ of course_

Kaito’s breaths are uneven and uncontrolled, and so he takes a second to just _breathe_. He’s always been surrounded by great people who support him, but having people voluntarily offer him help despite not knowing a single thing about him almost makes him uncomfortable.

_‘Would they still be supportive if they knew who I was? If they knew I was a student at Hope’s Peak? If they knew that I’m supposed to be a role model and leader to the world?’_

**_newuser851815:_ ** _you guys are too great_

 **_newuser851815:_ ** _thanks_

 **_dowasure:_ ** _anytime :)_

 ** _n4kiw4r4i:_** _^-^ np_

 ** _shuuyou_ni:_** _happy to be able to help_

 ** _se1k1:_** _You’re welcome!_

Their friendliness make him grin.

Kaito has always felt like he can put his emotions into words and easily convey what he feels, but now, now that he’s talking through a screen and is in an abnormally quiet mood, he aligns his steady hands over normally untouched keys.

 **_newuser851815:_ ** _＼(＾▽＾)／_

The spam of emoticons that follows his own is _almost_ worth it.

~~~

Once Usami calms the group and the flow of smiley faces slows down, everyone says their goodbyes and conveys excitement for next week. Almost everyone welcomes the newcomer to their group one more time and claim they were happy to meet him.

Conversation now finished, the overly friendly and inviting group puts a warm smile on Kaito’s face as he reclines in his chair.

 _'N_ _ext week, I’ll talk about my... illness, whether I believe in it or not,’_ he tells himself.

He pulls his hands behind his head, and closes his eyes as his smile slowly turns into a frown, reminded about his “problem”.

  _'The truth of your situation won’t change—the only thing you’re going to decide in a week is how much you’re going to hide from us.'_

Kaito wants to be pissed at this random _usotsuki_ who had the audacity to manipulate and toy with a newcomer—who, for all they know, might be unstable or something. Outside of the moment, it’s clear that they were specifically trying to get Kaito angry to make him speak honestly. Despite the frustration and anger Kaito felt when he realized he was being pulled around by some stranger, he can understand what this usotsuki _was_ trying to do.

Doesn’t mean he enjoyed it.

Leaning further back into his chair, the tired astronaut sighed.    

> _‘Maybe I just don’t want to believe that I have problems, alright?’_

Those angry words were baited out of him when he just wanted shut usotsuki up, but they were probably the most honest ones he had spoke—to the group chat, and to himself.

Kaito feels his hands tighten behind his head, and his body immediately tenses up all over again.

“I’m not sick,” he tells himself again. “I’m fucking not.”

His hands grab his hair tightly, and Kaito screws his eyes shut.

“I refuse to accept that bullshit, I—”

A _*ding*_ can be heard through the speakers of his computer.

Kaito immediately takes control of himself and swings his body to lean closer to the monitor. Looking for something new, he notices a notification from the program: someone messaged him, outside of the group chat. Skipping over the name of the messenger, he stares at the statement.

 ** _usotsuki:_** _You’re going to be here longer much than you think._

 ** _newuser851815:_** _huh?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _The reason you’re here is to prove that you’re handling your situation well, right?_

 ** _newuser851815:_** _what makes you think that???_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _…_

It only takes a brief moment for _usotsuki_ to send a screenshot: 

> _newuser851815:_ _I’m here to talk about myself, I guess_
> 
> _newuser851815:_ _And to prove that I’m fine_

**_newuser851815:_** _fine_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _So far you’re doing a terrible job_

Kaito wants to smack this person across the face, but he settles for slamming his hand on his desk.

 ** _newuser851815:_** _so what?? i said i’d be ready by next week, didn’t i?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Sure_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _In a week you will have found some way to talk about this “problem” of yours while still being able to lie to yourself_

 ** _newuser851815:_** _I’m not a liar_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _..._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Are you really trying /that/ hard to completely miss my point?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Of course you are, nevermind._

 _“Why the fuck do you care,”_ he tries to type, but a warning about vulgar language pops up and Kaito has to delete the message.

 _“whats your fucking point,”_ he types in next, only to receive the same annoying warning.

 ** _newuser851815:_** _Why are you talking to me_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _I really, really, need you to know that I’m rolling my eyes right now._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Talking to people is the /entire point of this program/._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _And it’s also the one thing you need to do, right?_

 ** _newuser851815:_** _You’re trying to help me??_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _The way you lie to yourself is just completely inexcusable._

 ** _newuser851815:_** _what??_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _The only justifiable part is that you’re obviously doing it to protect other people than yourself_

 ** _newuser851815:_** _do you know who I am or something??_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Should I?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Is that a really big part of your character?_

Kaito types nothing. Anything he says is being used against him.

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Hmm? Not going to answer? That pretty much confirms it._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Regardless, you made it pretty obvious that you’re used to giving advice to other people, but that you also don’t talk about your own problems in return._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _You’re obviously a leader to some people, probably your friends._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _If you have people depending on you, then you can’t afford to be unstable. So you can’t admit to yourself that you’ve got some sort of problem._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Any of that sound correct?_

 ** _newuser851815:_** _But you did the same, right?_

Finally— _finally—_ usotsuki pauses. Kaito chooses to accept his small victory. He lets his hands ride the excitement, and they type quickly.

 ** _newuser851815:_** _when nobody else spoke, you did. when nobody else had any advice to give, you came in._

 ** _newuser851815:_** _but when it came to casual conversation and talking about ourselves, you kept your mouth shut._

 ** _newuser851815:_** _so what does that make you?_

usotsuki doesn’t start typing, and Kaito feels victorious—like a hero who just finally outsmarted a villain

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Wow! I was honestly impressed up until the end there._

—and, the feeling is lost.

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Aren’t /you/ supposed to be the one to answer that final question?_

The rebound stings, but Kaito lets it slide.

 ** _usotsuki:_** _You’re pretty observant, but you really suck at making a final conclusion._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Anyways, I’m not here to antagonize you, so let’s quit arguing._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I came to let you know: since you’re going to be here a while, you should probably set up a username._

The shift in topic feels sudden, and Kaito vaguely realizes he completely failed to prove that he _won’t_ be here for long, but usotsuki has complete control over the conversation, and Kaito doesn’t know what else to do but roll with it.

 ** _newuser851815:_** _How do I do that?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _See that gear icon on the right hand top of the program?_

 ** _newuser851815:_** _no?_

 ** _newuser851815:_** _oh nvm_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Click Profile Settings_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _You can customize everything in there_

Kaito quietly follows the instructions and is sent to a new page filled with empty boxes. There’s a ton of optional information he can input, and so he does (leaving it awkwardly vague to hide his identity).

> **Gender:** Male
> 
> **Birthday:** April
> 
> **Age:** \--
> 
> **Location:** Japan
> 
> **Interests:** Space, Friends, Helping others

**_usotsuki:_** _Really? The only real piece of information you added was that you like space?_

 ** _newuser851815:_** _It’s important to me_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Of course, you fit that type perfectly._

 ** _newuser851815:_** _?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Did you forget to change your username?_

 ** _newuser851815:_** _nah, it’s just nothing comes to mind._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _space-idiot_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _space-fool_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _space-maniac_

 **_newuser851815:_ ** _hey, stop with the insults!_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _But that’s all the information you’ve given me to work with..._

 **_newuser851815:_ ** _when did I say I was an idiot?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _You don’t seriously want me to explain that, do you?_

 **_newuser851815:_ ** _ugh whatever_

**_newuser851815’s name has been changed to space_hero_ **

**_space_hero:_** _huh?!_

 ** _space_hero:_** _how’d my name change??_

 ** _space_hero:_** _hero?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _You’re stupid enough to remind me of one_

 ** _space_hero:_** _ignoring that_

 ** _space_hero:_** _taking the compliment_

 ** _space_hero:_** _how’d you change my name?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _;)_

 ** _space_hero:_** _can I change your name?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _If you could, what would you change it to?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _stupid_jerk_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _That’s rude :(_

 ** _space_hero:_** _but true_

The conversation pauses, giving Kaito a moment to think.

 ** _space_hero:_** _pure_

 ** _usotsuki:_**   _?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _that’s how I’d describe you_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _...I fail to see your logic here._

 ** _space_hero:_** _just a feeling I have_

 ** _space_hero:_** _idk_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _That’d be a horrible username anyways_

 ** _space_hero:_** _okay okay fine_

 ** _space_hero:_** _remind me to never say anything nice about you_

 ** _space_hero:_** _usohakkenki_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Lie detector?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Wow._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _And here I thought your ideas couldn’t get any worse._

 ** _space_hero:_** _better than “liar”_

 ** _space_hero:_** _not a name I’d expect to see in a therapy program_

 ** _space_hero:_** _don’t even understand how Usami would ever let you make that your username_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _;)_

 ** _space_hero:_** _right—whatever that means._

 ** _space_hero:_** _well if it makes you happy, then whatever_

 ** _space_hero:_** _but it’s not accurate_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _You don’t know know anything about me._

 ** _space_hero:_** _yeah so what_

 ** _space_hero:_** _such an evil sounding name doesn’t fit you_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _by next week, come up with something, or I get to decide your name_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _And why would I agree to that?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _If you do, I’ll talk about my issues at next week’s meeting_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Are you /seriously/ trying to blackmail me by assuming that I would desperately want to help you?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _no idea_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _sure_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _I’m not sure about how I should react to that, but..._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I’ll agree to your deal._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _Alright!_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _^–^_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _So now it’s /really/ in my best interest to push you along_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _oh_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _You’ve got to keep your side of the deal too—you get that, right?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _well yeah_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Well._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Best thing to do is to forget about that, for now._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _It seems that stubbornness is really the only thing holding you back right now_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _no_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _So telling you how stupid you are isn’t what you need._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Instead, tell me something about yourself._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _huh?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Oh and please, talk about something /other/ than space_

Talk about himself. Alright—it’s not a difficult thing to do. He’s trailed on and on about himself easily in front of Shuichi and Maki, but this situation feels totally different. Kaito’s trying to hide his identity, and usotsuki is stupidly smart. Not to mention, any information Kaito has offered so far has been examined and pulled apart. He’s pretty sure this person doesn’t trust anything Kaito says at face value, and Kaito doesn’t want every single word he speaks to be overanalyzed and dissected.

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Is something wrong?_

“I don’t trust you,” is what Kaito wants to right, but he doesn’t feel entirely justified. So far, usotsuki has just been trying to help, in some weird way.

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Come on, you can be honest._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _You’re not here to lie._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _I don’t trust you._

Quickly, he adds:

 **_space_hero:_ ** _or i mean I dont trust you to trust me_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Yeah, that seems reasonable._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _really?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Sure, I’ve been overanalyzing everything you say_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _—but that’s because you act like a liar!_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _im not_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Is that a lie?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _ur the one with the_ _crappy_ _shitty_ _stupid username_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I can see your point…_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _and I think I have a solution!_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _After all, it’d be nice to trust you._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _So, how about this:_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I’ll ask you a question that I want to know the answer to._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _If you answer honestly, then I’ll answer the same question honestly._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _After that, you pick a question, and we repeat._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _that makes no sense_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _How so?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _There’s no way to tell if we’re lying or not_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _You’re the one who said I’m a lie detector, right?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _And as for myself, I would never go back on my word._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _I’m supposed to trust that?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Why not?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Or are you the type of person to be suspicious of everyone?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _no way_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Well then there’s no problem!_

 ** _space_hero:_** _why involve yourself_

 ** _space_hero:_** _i mean_

 ** _space_hero:_** _you could just ask me questions and trust that I’m telling the truth_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _No way!_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _This way, the moment you lie, the moment you’ll think everything that /I/ say could be lie._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _This binds you to tell the truth—unless you don’t really care whether or not I’m lying to you_

 ** _space_hero:_** _yeah, you’re also assuming that I’m a good-natured person…_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Yeah, I might be totally wrong!_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Honestly, you remind me of someone I know_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _And he takes his promises very seriously_

 **_usotsuki: —_ ** _so I’m definitely projecting a little~_

 ** _space_hero:_** _huh_

 ** _space_hero:_** _Are you doing this to find a reason to talk about yourself?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _…_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Well that was out of nowhere…_

 ** _space_hero:_** _am I right??_

 ** _space_hero:_** _you don’t talk about yourself at all, but now you’re forcing yourself to_

 ** _space_hero:_** _are you trying to justify talking about yourself?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _My motivation is solely to get to know you, so that I can help you._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _That’s not a lie._

 ** _space_hero:_** _Okay_

 ** _space_hero:_** _I trust you._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _huh_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _nobody’s ever told me that before_

 ** _space_hero:_** _Well that’s pathetic_

 ** _space_hero:_** _not you—i mean_

 ** _space_hero:_** _everyone else_

 ** _space_hero:_** _You seem to be a good person_

usotsuki doesn’t respond to that, giving Kaito a chance to think.

This person was giving others insightful advice and going out of their way to help strangers—and no one has ever trusted them? Was Kaito claiming that they’re a good person really that stunning?

> _“Are you /seriously/ trying to blackmail me by assuming that I would desperately want to help you?”_

Shit, now the same question could be reversed. Is _usotsuki_ trying to pull Kaito into this game by assuming Kaito would want to understand (and maybe help) them?

His natural desire to help and sympathize with others could be pulling him towards a ruse.

Is that what usotsuki planned for?

This guy, girl, whatever, was way too clever, because it was working.

 ** _space_hero:_** _Are you a boy or girl?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Is that your question?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Does that mean you’ve agreed?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _Hell yeah_ _guess it does_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I’m a guy_

 ** _space_hero:_** _same, but you knew that._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Are you in high school?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _yep_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Same here._

 ** _space_hero:_** _How old are you?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Are you willing to answer that?_

Kaito considers his point, and updates his profile.  

> **Age: 16**

**_usotsuki:_** _I’m also 16._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Why didn’t you add that from the start?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _Kinda worried about staying private, honestly_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Same~_

 ** _space_hero:_** _oh did that count as a question?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _uh_

 ** _space_hero:_** _you think we’re close to each other?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _in japan, I mean._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _All of us are from all over the country. The chance of any us even being in the same prefecture is unlikely._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _why you asking?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _just curious_

 ** _space_hero:_** _You got any siblings?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _nope_

 ** _space_hero:_** _same_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Who are you leading?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _My friends_

 ** _space_hero:_** _They’ve got some really troubling things to deal with_

 ** _space_hero:_** _does this question apply to you?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _not really_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _…_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Tell me more and I’ll say more_

 ** _space_hero:_** _huh? Okay_

 ** _space_hero:_** _If I hadn’t helped my friends, I don’t know if anyone else would have_

 ** _space_hero:_** _Since I’m the person they’re depending on, I take that responsibility extremely seriously_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I used to lead a small group, but I chose to leave them_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _They didn’t really need me anymore, and they’re doing better own their own_

 ** _space_hero:_** _That can’t be true._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _It’s not a lie._

 ** _space_hero:_** _BS_

 ** _space_hero:_** _Who are these_ _fuckers_ _jerks?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _If I answer that, you have to tell me who your friends are._

 ** _space_hero:_** _shit_ _nvm_

 ** _space_hero:_** _What are you here for?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Are you sure you want to answer that?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _I want to know._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Well, if you’re sure…_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I joined to program just to find someone to talk to._

 ** _space_hero:_** _seriously??_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Yep!_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _You’re turn!_

 ** _space_hero:_** _no way, that was /not/ worth it_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _> :(_

 ** _space_hero:_** _talk more or something_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Maybe let’s continue tomorrow_

 ** _space_hero:_** _huh?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _We’ve been talking for a long time, and you’re probably exhausted_

Staring at those words, Kaito suddenly realizes how true that his. His eyes are stinging, his body is completely worn out from being so tense, and everything kinda feels faded and detached.

Shit, he feels more exhausted now than he does after any sort of training.

 ** _space_hero:_** _yeah ur right_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _When am I not?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** **...** _shut up_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _;)_

 ** _space_hero:_** _thanks for talking to me_

 ** _space_hero:_** _and helping me_

 ** _space_hero:_** _and even for telling me that I’m an idiot_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I’d be glad to call you that anytime~_

 ** _space_hero:_** _yeah yeah_

 ** _space_hero:_** _you free tomorrow?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Are you going to face your problems tomorrow?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _fuck_ _. guess so_

 ** _space_hero:_** _I have to eventually, right?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Glad to see you’ve made some progress!_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I’m free tomorrow, same time as today_

 ** _space_hero:_** _k_

 ** _space_hero:_** _cya_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Looking forward to it~_

**_usotsuki has gone offline_ **

Kaito stares blankly at his screen before he closes his eyes and sighs.

Feeling this tired after just only talking with someone doesn’t feel fair.

Slowly, he gets out of his seat, stretching his sore arms and yawning. Three hours have passed since the group chat started at 7, so Kaito completely missed dinner. Every part of him wants to just go and rest, but skipping meals is not a habit Kaito wants to fall into.

Ignoring the resistance in his legs, he slowly drags himself to the door and cracks it open. The hall is silent, which is surprising. Most of his classmates stick around for the weekdays and only go home during the weekend.

Kaito tries to remember if it’s some special holiday today or something, but nothing comes to mind.

He glances around as he makes his way to the dining hall, trying to appear as inconspicuous as possible. The silence irritates him, and Kaito wishes his friends were here with him to fill the silence and put him at ease.

Then again, if Shuichi and Maki _were_ here, they might immediately notice something was off, and Kaito would be too tired to even try to defend himself. There’s no good alternative, and that realization makes Kaito sigh out of frustration.

“This is a mess.”

“What’s a mess?” A voice behind him asks.

Kaito springs away and quickly puts his guard up.

“You are,” he spews out, “if you think that creeping up on people is normal.”

Kokichi grins and pulls his arms behind his head. “It’s not my fault!” he complains, “You were sooo distracted! It’d be rude of me to leave you alone.”

“No, it’d be fucking normal!” he shouts. He brings his fist up and is ready to yell and argue with the annoying piece of shit, but suddenly his arm sags and he has to close his eyes for a moment to suppress a wave of dizziness.

Kokichi opens his mouth to share some clever retort, but Kaito doesn't care. He turns on his heel and continues walking to the lunch hall. “Go bother somebody else, Kokichi.”

He hears Kokichi move to follow him and Kaito speeds up out of frustration. “Leave me alo–”

“Nobody else is here!” Kokichi runs up in front of him to block his path, but Kaito just walks around him.

“Everyone went home tonight. Shuichi, Kaede, Rantaro, the killer—” Kaito ignores that and keeps walking, “—even Ryoma found somewhere to go! He acts like he lives a lonely and depressing life, but he’s totally lying.”

“Leave Ryoma fucking alone,” he snarls. “And while you’re at it, quit following me.”

“But I’m boooored,” the kid whines. “And you’re the only one here.”

He feels a tug on his jacket and finds Kokichi clinging to him. He stops to prevent either of them from tripping, and Kokichi uses that time to start crying.

“Kaaaaitooo, play with mee,” he wails. Kaito tries to pull his arm away but the little leech refuses to let go of his sleeve.

“Let go!”

“No!”

“Let—GO!” With a harsher shove, Kaito shoves Kokichi flying across the hall, but the careless prick clutched the jacket so tightly than both of them ended up being pulled down.

“Fuck-” Kaito cries.

His head _smacks_ against the floor and all Kaito can think to do is force air down his throat so that he doesn’t start coughing up blood.

His chest erupts with pain but Kaito refuses to care. He demands for his body to get up immediately. His arms take too long to push up against the ground, but he manages to painfully force himself back onto his feet.

Kaito can feel his body swaying, from exhaustion and pain and from fucking colliding with the ground. He tries to glance at the stupid nuisance lying on the floor, but his vision blurs as he tries to focus.

He can at least tell that Kokichi hasn’t moved from the floor, and is watching him silently. He can’t make out the expression on his face, but Kaito hopes it’s malicious and evil, because he grabs his coat off the ground and leaves the liar alone on the ground.

———

Practically falling onto the door handle, Kaito feels like it’s a miracle he even made it back to his room.

His vision is blurry and his head is pounding, but finally out of sight, he allows himself to collapse onto his bed.

More than exhausted, he tries to find comfort in his star-studded sheets, but the coughs he had been holding back finally burst out.

Covering his mouth, Kaito tries to control himself, but it doesn’t stop. Blood drips down his arms. He tries to drag his arms up to climb out of the bed, but his body refuses to move.

Kaito coughs and coughs, and all he can do is watch galaxies drown in his blood until everything goes dark.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments really mean a lot to me ^-^ Your interest/enjoyment is the driving motivation for me to keep writing, and feedback can only make this story more engaging and fun. I'm extremely concerned about my choice to write this in present tense (not to mention how my style is weird mess of third and first person), so if you could let me know if this fic is hard to read/follow, that'd be useful (๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ
> 
> Next chapter probably won't be out until the Wednesday after next week.
> 
>  
> 
> ...hey, how many 79th Class members do you think are in the groupchat? ...1? 2? 16?


	3. 負わせる —  owaseru

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> to inflict injury on someone; to make someone carry something

Thirty minutes late, Kaito strolls through his classroom door.

His teacher happens to be late again, something Kaito normally finds annoying. This time, he appreciates it. After waking up late (he hadn’t been able to set an alarm while passing out), he had quickly thrown his stained bed sheets into his closet and replaced them with new ones. Then he had ran into his washroom to brush his teeth, only to realize that his face had been painted with blood. So  _ then  _ he had to take a shower, which meant he had to style his hair, and by the time he had his trademark purple coat slung over his arm, he had given up on getting to class on time. Needless to say, Kaito is now more than pleased with the tardiness of his teacher.

He had walked slowly through the campus, trying to give his head a chance to clear up. The cooler breeze had made it feel easy to breathe again. The relaxed stroll might have had him feeling at an all-week best had it not been for how exhausted he felt. Every step felt like a battle. His thoughts were muddled and his eyes refused to remain fully open. If he hadn’t walked along the same path to class every day, Kaito feels certain he would have gotten himself lost.

Now trying to focus on heading to his seat near the back of the class, Kaito almost misses the obnoxious sound of his most annoying classmate telling a story—one that makes him freeze in place.

“Yeah, yeah!! And then he shoved me onto the ground! I got hurt really badly, but that mean bully didn’t care at all! He left me alone on the ground to die, and... all I could think about while I cried was… what did I do wrong this time?”

It’s at that point Kokichi begins to cry. He’s surrounded by a crowd of people, and even though Kaito  _ knows  _ the liar is faking it, he still finds himself asking, “What happened?”

Rantaro, Gonta, and Tenko—the three students actually listening to Kokichi—all turn to glare at him with a disapproving look.

_ ‘Oh shit,’  _ he realizes.  _ ‘He was talking about  _ me _._ _ ’ _

Kaito immediately looks around for support, but he finds Shuichi and Maki caught up in a discussion with Kaede.

Taking an involuntary step back, he tries to defend himself. “Look, that’s totally not what happened, alright?”

The three don’t budge.

“Kokichi wouldn’t leave me alone last night, and after practically jumping on top of me, we  _ both  _ fell to the ground.”

Gonta begins to look confused, but Rantaro and Tenko don’t look at all convinced.

“So you didn't shove Kokichi onto the ground,” Rantaro asks incredulously.

“Of course not!” Kaito shouts—and then remembers that  _ that  _ actually...  _ did  _ happen, sort of.

The moment he lied, although accidentally, he was doomed. Rantaro’s expression morphed into his iconic ‘I’m disappointed in you’ face, and Tenko crouched into a fighting stance.

“I’d normally believe neither of you!” she declares. “But if you didn’t harm Kokichi, then why is he injured?!”

“He has some bruises,” Rantarou calmly elaborates, “that would form from getting shoved into the ground.”

Kaito still can’t see the purple menace himself, blocked by Gonta’s gigantic form, but he imagines the kid grinning to himself—proud of his evil plan.

_ ‘ _Pl_ an to what? To annoy the shit out of me?’ _

“Okay,” he admits, “maybe I accidentally ended up shoving him away from me, but that’s because he was being annoying as hell!”

“So that excuses violence?” Tenko frowns. “How typical.” With that, she turns away from all the men and walks away.

“You know what Kokichi’s like!” he shouts after her.

“He’s harmless,” Rantaro states. Kaito hears a whimper from Kokichi, and Gonta turns to comfort him.

What a liar.

“What did he want from you?” Rantaro tries. Realizing that this is his last chance to defend himself, Kaito finally comes to the conclusion that this situation is utterly hopeless.

“To spend time with me,” he spits out, all definitely according to Kokichi’s stupid plan. Rantaro’s expression reaffirms his regret. “But I told him clearly that I wasn’t in the mood, and he was literally clinging to me, and refusing to let go.”

The adventurer doesn’t seem impressed, and Kaito knows he’s about to hear a lecture—but then the teacher finally walks in, and everyone is forced to return to their seats.

Trying to ignore his frustration, Kaito looks for a distraction. His eyes land on Shuichi, who always sits much closer to the front of class than Kaito likes to. His sidekick seems happy about something, which makes Kaito feel a little better.

He looks behind him to glance at Maki, but as he does so, his gaze falls on Kokichi. Reclined in his seat and looking far too pleased with himself, Kokichi notices Kaito looking at him and shoots him an overconfident evil grin.

Whipping back around, Kaito slams his desk with a fist and doesn’t pay attention to anything the teacher says for the rest of class.

———

The moment the 79th class is released for lunch, Kaito marches to Kokichi’s desk.

“What are you doing?”

Kokichi blinks up at him innocently. “What do you mean?”

He glares at the shorter kid. Kokichi stares back.

“So  _ noooow  _ you want to talk to me,” he eventually pouts, and then starts to pack his school supplies into his bag. Kaito wants to slam his hand over Kokichi’s notebooks to force him to pay attention to him, but he realizes people are watching him, and the last thing he wants to do in front of Rantaro and Tenko is actually act like a bully.

Suddenly reminded of how tired he feels, Kaito sighs, walks away from his own confrontation, and decides to save this discussion for another day.

Maki joins up with him on his way out and together they walk towards the school’s dining hall. “Is Kokichi giving you trouble?” she asks.

Rubbing his neck, Kaito frowns. “Yeah. It’s easy to ignore, until he starts getting other people involved.”

Maki stays silent, so he explains what happened last night—excluding the state he was left in—and once he’s done, she doesn’t seem too impressed.

“You didn’t notice if he hurt himself when he fell?” she asks. It’s a good point—one that Kaito doesn’t really understand either.

“He looked completely fine.” Or at least, Kaito thinks he did; he couldn’t exactly see very well after his head had smashed into the ground. “He was on the ground obviously—but there’s no way he could have actually gotten bruised from that fall.”

“I agree with that,” she states. “But if Rantaro was convinced, then it’s less likely that Kokichi was faking his injuries.”

Kaito frowns again. “So then he actually got hurt somehow.”

“Or,” she suggests, “he jumped onto the floor multiples times in order to frame you.” Kaito looks at her in disbelief, but Maki stares back at him seriously.

“Why the fuck would he do that?” he asks.

“To mess with you,” she guesses. “Or to get you in trouble. Or he wanted something from Rantaro.” Maki pauses. “Or he’s a masochistic sociopath.”

Kaito chuckles at that, even though he shouldn’t. Even Maki looks surprised, so he shakes his head. “Ignore that. I’m just tired.”

Maki suddenly stops.

“What’s wrong?” he asks. Looking around, he doesn’t see anything of importance.

Maki stares at the floor. “Is this where you and Kokichi fought?”

_ ‘ _It w_ asn’t a fight,’  _ he protests internally, but after glancing around, he realizes that she’s right. He was on his way to the same dining hall last night, so it makes sense that they would walk past the same spot.

“Yeah, how’d you know?”

Maki points down to Kaito’s feet. “There’s blood on the floor.”

Glancing down, Kaito panics. That’s definitely his blood. His blood, from being sick.

Maki can’t know about that.

He looks back at Maki.

Maki stares right at him.

Everything is about to fall apart.

“If his injuries are real, then they were definitely inflicted before he spoke to you,” she comments, and suddenly Kaito remembers to breathe.

“Oh.”

Maki looks at him questioningly. He quickly tries to come with something to say, but he’s still not quite finished panicking.

“I guess so, yeah,” comes out lamely.

Maki rolls her eyes, and begins to walk. “If you don’t care, then I won’t waste my time thinking about him.”

Kaito runs up to walk with her and shakes his head. “Sorry, you made a good point—I’m just-”

“Tired,” Maki finishes. “Are you okay?” He hears the concern in her voice and he can’t explain how much he appreciates it, how lucky he feels to be able to hear genuine concern from the girl who’s renowned for being completely closed off to everyone.

But… that just reminds him of how much she has to lose.

“I think I hit my head when I fell yesterday,” he admits.

Maki glances at him and bites her lip. “I’m going to kill Kokichi.”

Kaito tenses up immediately. It’s definitely not the first time she’s uttered those words, and Kaito knows it won’t be the last.

Still, the violent memory of Maki strangling Kokichi resurfaces in his mind. Halfway through their first year at Hope’s Peak, Kokichi revealed Maki’s true talent to the class—something she was desperately trying to hide. It took the combined efforts of the entire class to convince her to let go, and ever since then Kaito has been carefully trying to get Maki to hate the small guy a little less, with little to no effect.

“Look, it’s not a big deal, and—”

“Not a big deal?” Maki asks, with a sudden and rare ferocity that makes Kaito’s head spin. “What if you seriously got hurt and had to go the hospital? What if Kokichi had cost you your career?”

Kaito can only stare at Maki, not used to seeing her so upset, nor understanding her leap in logic.

“Maki Roll, I’m—”

“Don’t call me that!” she shouts. Now Kaito starts to panic, because this is all happening way too suddenly, or maybe he’s just far too tired to follow.

Horrified, he watches as Maki suddenly takes a step away from him.

He tries to close the gap, aiming to shuffle closer to Maki, but the sudden stress runs a searing pain through his head, forcing him to struggle just to stay upright.

Further away, Maki takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. When they carefully open again, she stares at the ground.

Kaito’s confused.

“Sorry,” she eventually mutters. “I just hate it when you do that.”

Watching her calm down, Kaito is able to as well—but his head still hurts and he’s still completely confused. “Do what?”

Maki opens her mouth to explain, but then she quickly closes it. “Nevermind. Let’s just go eat.”

He tries to protest, but Maki marches down the hall without him.

_ ‘What… just happened?’ _

———

When he arrives at the dining hall, he finds Maki talking to Rantaro. He’s about to join them until Rantaro’s gaze flicks up at him. Clearly they’re talking about him, so he chooses to grab some food instead.

_ ‘It’s about time I get to eat,’  _ he decides, thinking of how he missed both dinner and breakfast.

After stacking everything the five-star buffet has to offer onto his plate, he searches for somewhere to sit. Maki’s still unavailable. Shuichi looks like he’s having a really good time talking to Kaede, and Kaito doesn’t want to interrupt that.

So, he ends up sitting with Gonta and Ryoma. Kaito tries to enjoy a peaceful conversation with them, but he feels like he’s on autopilot—far too tired because of Maki’s weird attitude, Kokichi’s annoying antics, and everything that happened last night.

They spend all of their lunch break talking about something (he can barely remember what happens—he's so  _ tired _ ). As they walk back to class, the only thing Kaito feels satisfied with is the fact that he finally had something to eat.

His feet drag across the floor. He walks past the blood on the ground, and his head spins.

Somehow, he makes it back to his desk. Sliding into his chair, Kaito realizes he still has to go to training after school—and promptly collapses onto his desk.

———

The first thing he’s aware of his how sore he feels. His back, his arms—everything hurts.

It’s with that thought that Kaito notices the pounding headache. Confused, he blinks slowly and pulls his head up. The pain swells suddenly as he opens his eyes, instantly making him regret that decision.

Completely disoriented, he tries to focus his eyes through the pain. It takes him a few seconds, but he blinks away the fog only to find Shuichi and Maki standing in front of his desk. Shuichi looks confused, but Maki looks downright pissed.

“I knew it,” she grumbles. “He said he hit his head last night, but I didn’t think he had a concussion.”

“Last night?” Shuichi asks. “What happened?”

“Kokichi,” is the only information she offers.

Shuichi leaves (maybe—Kaito can barely think with his headache) leaving Kaito to attempt to focus on Maki.

“You’re an idiot,” she tells him.

Kaito can only groan in response as he runs his hands over his face. He’s felt tired and sick before, but now everything just aches. It hurts to move his arms, his chest feels like it’s going to burst, and every thought of pain only makes his head hurt more.

Shuichi is back. Kaito tries to get out from the desk, but as soon as he stands up, his legs start to wobble.

Shuichi moves to catch him, but Maki is faster. With her help, he leans back against his desk, barely stable.

“Why didn’t you mention anything?” Maki asks. Shuichi packs up Kaito’s stuff. He tries to reach down and do it himself, but stops when his vision blurs.

“I didn’t realize anything was wrong,” Kaito absentmindedly admits, before instantly regretting it. The reason he felt “normal” was because of how he already felt from his illness, and from how tired he had felt after his three hour long chat—neither of which he’s willing to mention.

The Ultimate Detective is giving him a really focused look, so Kaito concentrates all his attention onto Maki. “Sorry, I would have said something if I had realized. I wouldn’t want you to worry.” The last part was certainly true.

Maki looks completely unimpressed, but she buys it. “Well you’re doing a terrible job,” she huffs. “If you don’t want me to worry about you, go see the nurse.”

“But— – ” Kaito objects, “we have training?”

Whatever the detective was concentrating on is lost as Shuichi doubles back. “Kaito! You can’t be serious. You need rest.”

Kaito’s about to disagree, but he can  _ feel  _ Maki’s threatening glare without even looking at her. It makes his head hurt.

Unable to think of any half-reasonable argument, Kaito subsides. “Fine, fine, I’ll go rest.”

“No,” Maki corrects, “You’re going to the nurse.”

Kaito can’t do that. If they look up his medical record, find out about his illness, discover that he’s barely hanging onto the title of ‘astronaut’, and realize how completely screwed he is—he'll probably be kicked out of the school.

_ ‘But if they thought I’m screwed… well… they’d be wrong. Because I’m not.’ _

“Concussions are very serious,” Shuichi notes. “You’re very lucky that nothing happened while you slept.”

Lucky might be the last word Kaito would use to describe himself right now.

Looking for any way out, he aims for a slightly more preferable option. “Look, how about I go to Kirumi instead?”

“Kirumi has better things to—”

“Alright, if you promise to go see her.”

Maki immediately glares at Shuichi. Kaito would have laughed at Shuichi trying not to cower from her gaze, but Kaito’s been on the receiving end of that glare far too many times to not sympathize.

“We can’t force him to go to the nurse—” “ _ Yes we can.” “ — _ and since Mikan Tsumiki graduated, Kirumi may be one of the most suited in this school to help Kaito.”

All three of them know it’s a weak argument, but Maki can’t say that Shuichi is wrong.

Hesitantly, she relents. “Fine.” Maki whips around to glare at Kaito. “But we’re coming with you.”

Kaito doesn’t even try to protest as he can barely move without falling over.

Maki moves underneath him and helps him stand up. Slowly, they make their way back to the dorms, following the same path that Kaito had walked earlier that morning. Shuichi struggles to carry all three of their bags, but when Kaito offers to carry his own bag, his sidekick claims that this is his training and walks more vigorously.

It takes far too long for Kaito’s liking, but eventually they make their way to Kirumi’s room. Kaito dedicates all his attention to standing upright as Shuichi and Maki explain the situation to the Ultimate Maid. He’s escorted inside her room as Kirumi asks the two of them to leave. As the door closes, he memorizes the expressions on his sidekicks’ faces.

Kirumi asks him questions and he tries his hardest to respond, but he’s too tired to think any more.

An extra bed is set up for him, and he lays down on it, reeling at how exhausted his legs feel once they’re off the ground. Kirumi’s doing something—Kaito doesn’t know: staying awake is quickly starting to become impossible for him. His eyes keep falling shut of their own accord, but even when they’re open, his vision seems to almost dim, as if someone was turning down the brightness of his reality. It might’ve concerned him more, if he could manage to string together a cohesive sentence in his own mind, but Kaito’s too far gone at this point. 

At some point, Kaito’s hearing falters, hollows and ultimately slips away from him, too, but Kaito barely notices.

The lights are shut off, and Kirumi leaves the room. As Kaito drops into unconsciousness, the images of Shuichi’s concerned face and Maki’s cold expression scream for his attention, as incoherent as it is, leaving him with one final, delirious and flimsy thought.

_ ‘I can never tell them.’ _

———

He wakes to a gentle nudge.

His eyes are greeted with a pleasant dim light. As he sits up, he notices Kirumi by his side.

“G’mornin?” he mutters, totally displaced in time.

“I’m afraid it’s only 3am,” she informs him, “but I needed to see how you were doing.”

Kaito runs a hand through his hair before concentrating. He still feels like shit, but the headache is gone. He can actually  _ think  _ now, which somehow feels worlds beyond amazing. His vision is back to normal too, and he doesn’t feel like he’s about to crumple at the slightest provocation.

His chest and throat feel surprisingly better too. He hadn’t realized how much pain he had been in until it all disappeared.

Instinctively, he moves to wipe his chin. Surprisingly, he doesn’t find single speck of blood.

_ ‘Finally. I deserve some good luck after everything.’ _

“I’m feeling a lot better,” Kaito smiles. He feels amazing, and all he wants is this feeling to last forever—

but it won’t. Not with his illness.

His smile disappears, and Kaito suddenly feels very cold.

“After what happened today, I’m hesitant to believe you.”

There’s no good argument to that, so Kaito shrugs. “I trust your opinion a lot more than I trust mine right now,” he concedes easily.

Kirumi nods. “You do seem a lot better. If you’d like, we can move you to your room. I’ll check up on you again in the morning.”

“Yeah,” he replies, “sounds good.” He slides off the bed to stand. Apparently he hadn’t learnt his lesson from last time, because immediately his legs begin to buckle.

Expecting this, Kirumi has already moved to help him keep his balance. She helps him out of the room, and they make the short walk to his own room together. Kaito tries his best to not to feel embarrassed about the amount of times he’s needed help today.

“You only had a very minor concussion,” she comments on the way. “Your symptoms were heavily amplified due to physical and mental exhaustion; that’s why you’re feeling better, yet still can barely walk.”

Kaito sighs. “Yeah, that sounds right.”

Kirumi shoots him a glance, and Kaito struggles to ignore it. “You must take better care of yourself.”

He doesn’t really have a response to that. Not when he doesn’t have control over anything anymore.

“If not for yourself, then for Shuichi and Maki. They were both extremely concerned for you.”

_'T_ _hat’s the problem!_ ’ he wants to shout. The images of their faces pop up again. Kaito nearly falls over.

Kirumi catches him again, and they finish their walk in silence.

Once they reach the door, Kaito smiles at the ultimate maid. “Thanks for taking care of me.”

“Of course,” she replies. “I’ll refrain from reporting this to the school, but should your condition worsen, I won’t hesitate.”

He bites his tongue.  _ ‘My “condition” is only going downhill from here.’ _

“That’s fair,” he forces out. “Thanks for your concern. You’re way too awesome.”

Kirumi smiles at that; it makes Kaito feels a little better about the whole situation.

“I’ll be here in the morning,” she reminds him.

Kaito nods and enters his room. With a “good night," he slowly closes the door.

After such a chaotic and crazy day, Kaito finally finds himself alone.

As he gets ready for bed, he tries to feel happy about all the concern others were giving him, but it just makes him feel a thousand times worse.

There’s a growing empty feeling in his stomach. Kaito can’t tell if it’s a symptom of his illness, his exhaustion, or something else entirely.

Cold and ill, Kaito crawls into bed. He’s not sure if he prefers tonight’s ending over yesterday’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter completely slipped out of my hands. Kaito wasn't supposed to get injured. Maki wasn't supposed to be important. I have no control over these characters anymore...
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has left comments, and to anyone who has told me that they're enjoying my story!!! It's really helped motivate me to keep writing more. If you have any suggestions, feel free to share as well!
> 
> I'm sorry if this chapter wasn't written as well the previous; I was trying to emulate Kaito's exhaustion and confusion through the narration, but I'm not sure how well it turned out.
> 
> also: shoutout to the awesome people I've met on discord <3


	4. 自棄気味 — yakegimi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> partially out of despair, partly in desperation, somewhat out of frustration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey~ I'd just like to make a note of a few things that I've changed/failed to completely clarify:
> 
> 1) I wrote in Chapter 1 that Kiibo is the Ultimate Roboticist, but I've changed him back into the Ultimate Robot. (I don't know if that'll ever be relevant, so I'm just making sure)  
> 2) the DRV3 cast is attending Hope's Peak Academy, as the 79th class. Right now, they're midway through their second year, so the DR2 cast has already graduated, and the DR1 cast are third years.  
> 3) It's a full Non-Despair AU; or at least, Junko won't be showing up any time soon, and Tsumugi is a plain classmate.

Harsh coughs viciously rip through his throat. Kaito tries to interrupt the remorseless chain of attacks, but it takes a few minutes of careful breathing for him to even begin to get a hold of himself.

“What a way to wake up,” he groans, pushing away his blankets.

He goes to wipe his face, and is somewhat grateful to discover that he hasn’t coughed up any blood this time.

 _‘It’ll come back,’_ he notes dully, washing away any excitement the previous observation had sparked.

Glancing around, Kaito gauges from the sunlight that it’s around ten. He takes a moment to remember the day (Saturday) and can’t think of anything he was supposed to do this morning. Then he spots a tray of food his desk. Curious, he slowly pulls himself out from his bed. His legs are still sore, but Kaito is pleased to find himself walking with ease.

A tray full of healthy but delicious-looking breakfast food is placed on his desk, accompanied by a elegantly written note.

 _‘Kirumi,’_ he reasons. _‘Of course.’_

She explains that she had come to check on him earlier in the morning, and that she was confident that he had recovered to an acceptable extent. _“Unfortunately, I had other tasks to accomplish outside of the school, so I couldn’t wait for you to wake up. I prepared for you a breakfast tray with a selection that I hope you will enjoy. Please call me immediately if you need anything else, and I’ll find a way to assist you. All I ask for in return is that you take better care of yourself.”_

With that, Kirumi signs her name. Kaito grins and feels lucky to have such a helpful and thoughtful classmate.

Stuffing a croissant into his mouth, he pulls out his phone. He has a few messages from Shuichi, asking if he’s feeling better and if he wants anything from the city. Maki is more simple. _“You’re an idiot. Keep me updated.”_ Kaito chuckles and responds to them both.

The images of their worried faces pop up again, but Kaito ignores them and types faster.

Focused on his phone, he goes to grab more of Kirumi’s amazing food—and ends up smacking his hand against his computer keyboard.

The screen lights up, and Kaito’s eyes dart towards the sudden brightness.

The home desktop fills the display. One of Kaito’s favourite galaxy photos frames the swarm of organized folders of images and school notes. Setting down his phone and leaning closer to the monitor, Kaito's attention is eventually drawn to the application icon for the online group program—and the 73 missed notifications noted in a bright red circle.

_‘Oh.’_

“Oh _shit.”_

Immediately Kaito begins to panic as he finally remembers he was meant to be online last night.

He quickly grabs for his mouse and slams down his cursor onto the application. A stupidly slow loading bar appears, and Kaito spams the left-click button on his mouse in sheer panic.

After an agonizingly long moment, the program springs open. His apprehension melts away when he sees that a majority of the messages are from casual conversation in the main group chat.

He drags his cursor over to his private conversation with usotsuki.

 ** _> > usotsuki:_** _Are you coming?_

Kaito checks for a timestamp, but he can’t find any.

 ** _> > usotsuki:_** _It’s been forty minutes._

 ** _> > usotsuki:_** _Something has come up so I can’t wait any longer_

 ** _> > usotsuki:_** _but_ _don’t worry_

 ** _> > usotsuki:_** _I’m sure something happened on your end, so just message me when you can_

 ** _> > usotsuki:_** _or message the group chat if you need someone to talk to._

 ** _> > usotsuki:_** _I’ll be back tomorrow!_

Kaito checks, but usotsuki isn’t online. He still feels the need to immediately reply.

 ** _space_hero:_** _shit im sorry_

 ** _space_hero:_** _i had to deal with some unexpected stuff_

 ** _space_hero:_** _i’ll tell you about it later since now i kinda owe you_

 ** _space_hero:_** _everything okay on your end?_

He stares at the screen, hoping something would happen. It feels shitty to ditch a person like this. Even though yesterday’s events had come completely out of nowhere, Kaito had still forgotten about the meeting. He feels lucky that usotsuki was smart enough to not panic or worry about him.

Still, Kaito doesn’t like it. It feels like breaking a promise.

_‘And what if— what if I had—’_

Kaito abruptly springs out of his seat. The desk jumps, causing the metal tray to clatter in place.

He freezes in place as he watches until the metal tray stops shaking. In seconds, the atmosphere of his room feels like it has dropped from peaceful and comforting to something heavy and dark.

Some moments pass before Kaito catches himself spacing out. Tension pulls on his muscles; his wrists strain from the curled fists his hands have formed into.

He breathes in. It’s shaky, but he forces himself to just focus on breathing in and out until his hands relax and he’s able to calm down.

Frustrated and annoyed with his dramatic attitude, he marches towards his closet and slams open the double doors.

He busies himself in the next few minutes by going through his morning routine, as if he had somewhere to go today. It’s not until he’s styling his hair up that he remembers that there isn’t anything to do. No training, no appointments; most of his classmates are already gone for the weekend.

Finishing up with his hair, Kaito cleans up his supplies and starts to pace around his room, desperate to find some idea of what to do

_‘Is anyone around today?’_

He reasons that if Rantaro was actually there for school yesterday, then he's probably still hanging around for a while before leaving to travel again. Right now, the relaxed adventurer is just about the one classmate that Kaito feels like he has enough energy to chat with. But Kaito doesn’t know how well Maki’s conversation went with him the other day, so Rantaro may or may not still get on his case for supposedly beating up Kokichi or something.

Considering how frustrating yesterday was, Kaito doesn’t feel like dealing with that irritating nonsense.

He quickly runs through the list. Angie, Miu, and Kokichi are the only others who would be around on the weekend. Angie’s likely to be locked up alone in the art room, Miu probably took over the engineering lab again, and fuck if he’s going anywhere near Kokichi right now.

“Why can’t anyone normal ever stick around,” he groans.

Kaito stares desperately at the clock. 10:35. He hasn’t even been awake for half an hour and he already wants the day to be over.

…

...

“No,” he scolds, “that’s stupid. I have the entire day to spend time accomplishing anything I'd like.”

Kaito goes to grab his iconic coat, but a sudden surge of stupidity overwhelms him, and he finds himself holding it out in the air in front of him.

The galaxies and stars steal his attention until a sharp sense of dread pricks his heart. Thoughtlessly, he clutches the fabric tighter.

“I’m going to space,” Kaito reminds himself. Without giving himself a chance to dwell on it further, he throws the coat on, tosses his phone and keys into a gym bag he hasn’t touched in weeks, and heads out to work on achieving his dream.

———

Four hours. Kaito holds himself together for four hours of simple moderate level exercise before his body demands he stop.

It’s not what he had hoped for, but he’ll take what he can and work with it. Next time, he’ll try for five.

It has never felt better to be physically exhausted. Screw a bullshit illness and emotional drama: his muscles ache because he demanded it. He’s tired on his own terms. He’s actually in _control_ for once, and it feels great.

By the time he’s showered and changed back into casual clothes, it’s past two. He quickly stops by the cafeteria to grab lunch, and then heads back to his room.

The day is far from over, and Kaito still doesn’t know what he’ll do for the rest of the of it, but now he can face himself knowing that he’s tried his hardest to put his time to good use instead of just moping around all day.

After throwing his clothes in the laundry and pre-preparing his bag for the next time he impulsively decides to head out, Kaito remembers to check his laptop for any new messages.

Usotsuki still hasn’t shown up. Kaito’s glad that they didn’t miss each other again, but can’t help but feel disappointed.

Checking the main group chat, he finds that a few others are listed as online. Kaito remembers shuuyou_ni, dowasure, and se1k1 from the group discussion, but there are two names he doesn't recognize: nanashi and kiodo.

There's no discussion going on, so he sits down in his chair, pulls up to the desk, and starts one.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _hey, what’s up?_

Not the most eloquent conversation starter, but it seems to work.

 **_nanashi:_ ** _hey! not much, you?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _same_

 **_dowasure:_ ** _nice username_

 **_se1k1:_ ** _^^_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _thanks_

Space hero. It’s certainly something he’s probably called himself before, but in this different environment, it doesn’t feel as right.

 ** _space_hero:_** _it doesn’t really fit the theme you guys have going on_

 **_se1k1:_ ** _That’s okay! There aren’t any rules about usernames; the pattern was mostly a coincidence._

 ** _nanashi:_** _^^ yeah, dw about it_

 ** _kiodo:_** _oh hey!_

 ** _kiodo:_** _I wasn’t here on thursday_

 ** _kiodo:_** _Welcome to our group chat!_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _Thanks! nice to meet you_

Kaito makes a face at his own message. Not being able to express tone or expression will always feel weird to him.

 **_kiodo:_ ** _you too ^-^_

 **_nanashi:_ ** _ah sorry bad timing but I have to go_

 ** _dowasure:_** _cya_

 ** _space_hero:_** _see you_

 **_kiodo:_ ** _talk to you later!_

 **_nanashi:_ ** _yeah, cya!_

The name disappears from the list. Shuuyou also doesn’t seem to be online anymore.

 **_dowasure:_ ** _anything in particular anyone wants to talk about?_

 ** _se1k1:_** _Not at the moment, do you have something in mind?_

 ** _kiodo:_** _go ahead!_

Nobody writes anything for a moment. Kaito wonders if he’s supposed to clarify as well.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _nope_

 **_dowasure:_ ** _oh okay_

 ** _dowasure:_** _I don’t actually have anything either, lol_

 **_kiodo:_ ** _anyone got some any interesting plans coming up?_

 **_se1k1:_ ** _The only plans I have right now involve studying and resting..._

 **_kiodo:_ ** _ugh, same._

 **_dowasure:_ ** _exams?_

 ** _se1k1:_** _Tests._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _is everyone here in high school?_

 **_kiodo:_ ** _yep_

 ** _se1k1:_** _Unfortunately_

 **_dowasure:_ ** _^_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _School can be a pain, but it’s important_

 **_se1k1:_ ** _I know…_

 **_se1ki:_ ** _School work is actually fun, usually!_

 **_se1k1:_ ** _It’s the people that make it difficult._

 ** _se1k1:_** _It’s hard to enjoy class when you don’t have friends._

 ** _dowasure:_** _hey, if you enjoy school, don’t let awful people ruin your fun_

 **_kiodo:_ ** _Finding good friends can be hard, and it’s difficult being alone when you’re surrounded by people_

 **_kiodo:_ ** _but it’s important to keep trying your best! Find something worth your attention and give it all you’ve got!_

 ** _space_hero:_** _It can be tough, but focus on what you want to achieve_

 ** _space_hero:_** _Try your hardest to become who you want to be, and don’t let anyone stand in your way_

 ** _space_hero:_** _Fight for your future with no regrets._

 **_dowasure:_ ** _and if you have a bad day, or whenever you need encouragement, we’ll be here_

 **_kiodo:_ ** _Hopefully you’ll find the people nearby that deserve your friendship_

 ** _se1k1:_** _asdfghjkl_

 ** _se1k1:_** _Thank you, you’re all really kind! <3_

 ** _dowasure:_** _we’re probably not helping you with your homework that well_

 ** _se1k1:_** _Ah, I already forgot._

 **_se1k1:_ ** _Alright!_

 **_se1k1:_ ** _I’m motivated right now, so I’m going to go finish, and come back later._

 **_kiodo:_ ** _good luck!!_

 **_dowasure:_ ** _^_

 ** _space_hero:_** _^_

 ** _se1k1:_** _< 3 Goodbye!_

The number of users jumps down to three. It’s 3:50, and still nothing from usotsuki.

 ** _dowasure:_** _oh shoot_

 ** _dowasure:_** _I forgot I had to go pick up my brother_

 **_kiodo:_ ** _again??_

 **_dowasure:_ ** _I HAVE TO GO_

 ** _space_hero:_** _see you later?_

 ** _kiodo:_** _good luck_

Another name disappears, leaving him and kiodo alone. He pauses and goes to check the chatter’s profile. Kiodo’s a girl, and 17. Everything else is blank, but Kaito’s starting to realize that almost everyone has a profile like that.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _again??_

 ** _kiodo:_** _This is the third time he’s forgotten to pick his brother up..._

 ** _kiodo:_** _Don’t worry though, it’s more functional than it sounds_

 ** _space_hero:_** _it doesn’t sound functional at all_

 **_kiodo:_ ** _hah, that’s true_

 ** _space_hero:_** _do you two know each other?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _in real life, i mean. you seem close_

 **_kiodo:_ ** _We’ve both been here for a while, so we know each other pretty well_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _oh, that’s cool_

 ** _kiodo:_** _I think we live sort of near each other, but it’s better just keeping this anonymous, right?_

 ** _kiodo:_** _It’s nice to be able to talk freely, without having to worry about meeting people’s expectations_

Kaito frowns at the screen. A vague feeling of recognition surfaces, but he quickly pushes it away.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _is that something you have trouble with?_

 **_kiodo:_ ** _Oh, I guess I’m not being very subtle, aren’t I…_

 **_kiodo:_ ** _Whenever I’m tired or just having a bad day, my friends get all surprised that I’m not cheerful all the time_

 ** _kiodo:_** _It’s kinda ridiculous, isn’t it?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _yeah of course!_

 ** _space_hero:_** _your friends should be offering support, and not be getting upset that you can’t act the way they want_

 _‘Of course,’_ Kaito considers, _‘there could be more to the other side of the story…’_

 ** _kiodo:_** _YES!_

 ** _kiodo:_** _I needed to hear that, thanks._

 ** _kiodo:_** _I was worried that I was being completely unreasonable..._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _np_

 ** _space_hero:_** _wish I could help you out somehow_

 **_kiodo:_ ** _You’ve got your own stuff to deal with too, right? Focus on yourself a little._

Kaito stares at the screen.

 **_kiodo:_ ** _Hey, you can’t not respond to that!_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _I’m doing what I can_

 **_kiodo:_ ** _Would you like to talk about it privately?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _thanks for offering, but nah_

 ** _kiodo:_** _Let me know if you change your mind! We’re all here to help each other, after all._

 ** _kiodo:_** _Sorry for the abrupt timing, but I should go now_

 ** _kiodo:_** _It was nice meeting you!_

 ** _space_hero:_** _same here! You’re a really cool person_

 ** _space_hero:_** _good luck with your friends_

 **_kiodo:_ ** _you definitely live up to your username!_

He can’t stop himself from grinning.

 ** _space_hero:_** _I actually really wanted to hear that. thanks._

 ** _kiodo:_** _..._

 ** _kiodo:_** _I have a lot to say about that, but no time._

Kaito grimaces. _‘That_ might _have been a mistake.’_

 **_kiodo:_ ** _Just believe in yourself a little, alright?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Don’t worry, I’ll talk some sense into him._

Kaito’s eyes dart to the user list, confirming that usotsuki is _finally_ online.

A notification pops up from their private chat, so he quickly switches over.

>> **_space_hero:_** _everything okay on your end?_

 **usotsuki:** is that your question?

Kaito laughs. After waiting all day, he understands not wanting to wait to jump into their… _game,_ of sorts—but this still is a conversation, isn’t it?

 **_space_hero:_ ** _hello to you too?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _oh_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _it’s been a long day, and I’ve been waiting to talk with you again._

Kaito’s not really sure what to say to that.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _sorry about yesterday_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _I feel really shitty about it_

 ** _space_hero:_** _long story short, I passed out_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _well, that’s certainly short_

Kaito tries to find some better way to explain it, but finds that he’d rather talk about absolutely anything else.

 ** _space_hero:_** _it ties in with the other stuff_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _What happened on your end?_

There’s a long pause before usotsuki starts typing.

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Oh, nothing really happened._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Some people kept banging on my door and wouldn’t leave me alone_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _I ignored them for about 20 minutes, but it eventually got annoying, so I went to go deal with it._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _oh okay_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _what did they want?_

Another pause.

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _If you think I’m going to let you keep stalling, you’re wrong._

Kaito huffs.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _hey, trust me a little_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _I’m not asking to stall_

Usotsuki doesn’t offer him any response. Kaito supposes that he’s not going to be able convince the guy, which simply irritates him more.

_‘ _B_ ut getting mad won’t do me any good. He’s waiting for me to talk, so…’ _

Trying his best to ignore the cold sensation of terror yearning for him to turn his computer off and stop before it’s too late, he glances around the program interface.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _is there a way to do voice chat?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _why?_

Kaito scoffs. “At least answer the question.”

 **_space_hero:_ ** _it’d be easier_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _yeah of course it would_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _which is exactly why I would refuse_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _seriously?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _except I’m not able to do a voice call now anyways._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _but it’s possible?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _yep!_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _then maybe I should wait until you can_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _You’re desire to stall isn’t going to do anything for anyone._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _It’s clear that you weren’t able to face your problems like you said you would_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _but you promised you’d tell me, and the time has come._

“Tch.” Kaito feels the urge to get angry again, but even he can realize how pointless it’d be.

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _you’re the one who said that asking the question of “why are you here” would be worth it._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _was that a lie?_

Kaito narrows his eyes at the screen,

 **_space_hero:_ ** _stop_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _you don’t have to get me angry_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _let’s just_

 ** _space_hero:_** _do this_

No one types anything. Kaito tenses up as he waits for a response, but nothing comes. The room feels colder as he moves his hands onto the keyboard.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _okay_

He presses enter without thinking about it. He scrutinizes his message, and then drags his fingers over keys to try again.

Typing is annoying because he has to actually… _think_ about what he says. He can’t just spit it out.

—but, it’s only eight pushes into the keyboard. That’s all it takes.

He stares at his keys, eyes tracing over the few he needs to press.

_‘Just fucking do it.’_

His hands begin to tremor. The surprise momentarily stuns all of his self-control, and his hands fall onto the keys and completely miss their target.

He glares at his hands—the frustration and anger making him feel colder and smaller than before.

Fueled by impatience, Kaito hauls his right hand to the backspace key, and starts anew.

Screwing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth, he ignores how his fingers tremble against the keys, and lines them up in place. He jabs his fingers down onto what he reckons are the correct keys. He doesn’t trust that he ends up pressing the right ones, but he’s so desperate to rid himself of the foreign and repulsive anxiety that he doesn’t think twice before smashing the enter key.

His eyes remain closed and muscles tight and rigid. He stays completely frozen until his body betrays him. His lungs feel like they’re being choked; he gasps desperately for air that sharply scrapes against his throat. The breath that wheezes out is just as painful. He slides his hands to the edge of his desk and grips onto the wood so tightly that he feels like either the wood or arms are going to snap.

His body heaves and lets out another pained breath. The tension tearing his chest apart remains as he carefully tries to control himself. He opens his eyes, keeps his head low, and focuses on breathing.

He counts the seconds in his head, desperately focusing on _anything else_ that the millions of fears threatening to spill into his hastily-fortified train of thought.

_*ding*_

The piercing sound throws off his delicate rhythm.

“I’m going to have to look up eventually,” he tells himself with an airy laugh, but nothing is funny, and he knows it.

Begrudgingly, he drags his head up, and forces his burning eyes to focus on the screen in front him.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _i’m sick_

Kaito inhales sharply. His head begins to spin, and he feels sick, and he feels scared and small and cold, and—

He bangs his hands down on the desk.

 _“That’s_ **_ENOUGH!_ ** **”**

In the silent room, the furious exclamation echoes through his head. Kaito latches onto his own demand, uses it to ground himself enough to pull his thoughts together. Frustrated but determined, he glares at the screen.

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _oh_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _im sorry_

He breathes in, then out. In. Out.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _its not your fualt_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _fault_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _is it terminal?_

“No,” he grits out—pointlessly. Kaito lets out a frustrated sigh, and actively blocks out the screeching wails of denial that cry through his head.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _i don’t know_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _no one does_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _does it hurt?_

The burning in his throat and tightness in his chest seem to amplify, as if his body is trying to answer the question.

Kaito manages to construct a small smile.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _its my turn for a question, isn’t it?_

The sad grin manages to hold itself together for only a few more seconds after usotsuki doesn’t respond.

Kaito pushes down everything, and scrapes his mind for the questions that usotsuki had left him.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _what did those people want from you yesterday?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _to shout at me for apparently hurting their friend_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _how bad is the pain?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _it’s nothing_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Don’t lie._

Kaito clicks his tongue.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _Whatever I’m feeling now could always be infinitely worse_

 ** _space_hero:_** _so, it’s nothing._

 ** _space_hero:_** _Why did they think you hurt their friend?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Because they’re idiots, who believe every lie they hear._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Are you scared?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _of what?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _dying_

 ** _space_hero:_** _i don’t know_

 ** _space_hero:_** _are you?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I’m waiting to find out_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _If you’re managing the pain, and you’re not actively scared of dying, then what are you so worried about?_

Kaito stares paralyzed at the screen.

 ** _usotsuki:_** _It’s those friends of yours, right?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _no._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _what’s the point of lying here?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _why is your name usotsuki?_

The conversation halts as the inquisitor finally pauses. Kaito takes this moment to close his eyes to relax his rising heart rate, while also intently focusing on not acknowledging any of his persistent troubling thoughts.

 ** _usotsuki:_** _safety_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _how has your illness affected you?_

Kaito grits his teeth. _‘Just answer so that you can ask him more questions,’_ he tells himself.

 ** _space_hero:_** _It’s just a new obstacle I have to face._

 ** _space_hero:_** _it’s not going to affect me at all._

 ** _space_hero:_** _what do you mean by “safety”?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _protection_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _security_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _insurance_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _defense_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _reassurance_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I’d ask if you want more, but I’m not wasting my question._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _how do you feel now?_

The ‘ _-after you’ve told me you’re sick’_ feels implied, and Kaito curses the anonymous helper for being the observant pain that he is, but in truth, his heart isn’t into the oath. He can’t even stay angry at usotsuki for his damned insight for more than half a second.

 ** _space_hero:_** _Honestly?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _I feel like every part of myself is screaming at me for admitting it_

 ** _space_hero:_** _I think I also feel like I want to shout at myself_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _I already knew that I couldn’t deny it forever, but also fck if I wasn’t going to try_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _knowing that you could die at any moment and have no control over it_

 ** _space_hero:_** _being forced to let everyone down_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _being forced to give up on my dreams_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _why the fck would i ever want to believe it_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _can’t believe i’m even able to write this_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _once you’re able to accept it, itll be easier for your friends to accept it as well_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _No one thinks you’re going to die, right?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _no_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _not exactly_

 ** _space_hero:_** _no one_

 ** _space_hero:_** _has been able to prove that this_ ** _won’t_** _kill me_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Who have you seen?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _everybody_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _would access to the best in the country help you?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _I’ve already been sent to the best available_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Do you want to know what’s wrong with you?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _I don’t know_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Do you want to know whether or not you’re going to die?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _i dont know_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Do you think you would rather you die now than wait?_

Kaito thinks of Shuichi and Maki. Their worried faces. How he’ll watch them fall apart and hate him for daring to enter their lives.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _I don’t know_

As he slowly presses the enter key, he stares at what the hell he just wrote.

Instantly Kaito becomes aware of how riled up he’s gotten: his eyes are burning and the tension in his body feels overwhelmingly painful. He tries to gasp for a breath to calm down, but his lungs instead desperately clutch for air. Before he can react to the alarming realization that he’s about to hyperventilate, the rush of cold air bites harshly against his throat. There’s barely enough time for him to move his hand to cover his mouth before his vision and thoughts blackout and his whole body shakes and trembles from violent eruptions of blood.

His body convulses and trembles; he leans down onto the table, and furiously attempts to force air through his throat. Eventually he snatches a breath in between a cough, and his hold body turns rigid. “F-fuck,” he spits out.

Once the coughing relents and he’s able to obtain some control over himself, he grabs some nearby tissues and frantically tries to clean up his mess. He grabs a few more when he notices that a few drops of blood had scattered on his keyboard. Diligently, he scrubs in between each key, desperately trying to ignore the panic and disarray running through his mind.

 _‘How could you think that?’_ reverberates through his head. _‘Are you that selfish?’_

Kaito scrubs harder.

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _is that something you’ve thought about before?_

Kaito drags his eyes away from the screen, grabs one last issue to wipe his hand with, and hides his stained collection of paper in the trash.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _what i said was wrong_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _im living my life to the fullest_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _until the end_

The taste of blood is almost overwhelming. Kaito taps his keyboard hurriedly as he waits for usotsuki to respond. When nothing comes, he continues the conversation on his own, so that he isn’t left alone with the mess that is his current train of thought.

 ** _space_hero:_** _why’s your name usotsuki?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _and give a real answer this time_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _stubborn_

 ** _space_hero:_** _Always._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _I didn’t really want to share this, but you’ve surprisingly been a little bit honest today, so it’s only fair to match you._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _If someone ever discovers who I am, or if I decide to leave the program, I can say it was all a lie. I can say that everything was an elaborate joke, or a scheme to find out information about others._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _By claiming myself as a liar, I have this freedom._

Kaito frowns.

 ** _space_hero:_** _wth dude_

 ** _space_hero:_** _that’s stupid_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _oh?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _first_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _no one is going to believe that_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _second, that’d just be painful for everyone you’ve met_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _and especially for yourself_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _why would you ever want to do that?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _I have my reasons._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _but it’s my turn for a question~_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _I answered like five in a row!_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _well you didn’t object…_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _fine._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _:)_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _on the topic of lies~_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _why are you so defensive about lying?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _I’m not lying to you about anything!_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I see._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _Why are you so obsessed with lies?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Why not?_

The mental image of Kokichi pops up in his head. Kaito shudders.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _fair enough, let’s drop that topic._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _sure_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _anything you want to ask about?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _uh_

 ** _space_hero:_** _can’t think of anything_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _oh wait_

 ** _space_hero:_** _actually I was still wondering about what you said earlier_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _you got accused of hurting somebody’s friend?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Oh, that._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I caused a small accident between me and this precious and fragile friend of theirs._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _Apparently he got hurt, which isn’t possible. So last night I had to stand there and get yelled for something I knew I couldn’t have done._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _so then what actually happened?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I’m not sure, but I’d like to find out._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _why not just go ask the guy?_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _He’ll just lie._

 ** _usotsuki:_** _And whatever he comes up with, everyone will believe him._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _tch_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _that’s frustrating_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _talk about a messed up coincidence_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _someone got injured and I was blamed for it_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _who?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _some lonely kid in my class_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _he probably wanted attention or something, but im just too tired to deal with this_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _is your illness you making you more tired?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _no_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _it doesn’t affect me_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _do you really believe that?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _I’m not going to let it affect me_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _you said you passed out yesterday_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _that was different_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I don’t know anything about that happened_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _but would I be wrong to guess that it was caused by you stubbornly denying the state of your health?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _no_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _i mean yes_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _fuck_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _that’s not right_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _then what happened?_

Kaito frowns, trying to grasp for some more lenient explanation. As stubborn as he tries to be, he’s begrudgingly aware that he could have avoided the whole _“passing out in class thing”_ if he hadn’t been trying so hard to ignore how shitty he felt.

 ** _usotsuki:_** _I’m not trying to insult you by pointing out your horrible lies._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _I don’t want something irreversible to happen to you because you’re clinging to denial._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Even now, by talking to me, you’re probably distracting yourself from how you’re feeling._

Kaito stares at the screen incredulously; an airy and tired laugh escapes him.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _you’re too good at this_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _At what?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _at_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _i don’t know_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _figuring everything out_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _meanwhile I can’t even figure out if it’s cuz you’re just really smart_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _probably~_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _or if it’s because you do the same things as me_

Usotsuki takes a long time to respond.

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Where’s the option that says that you’re just simple-minded and easy to read?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _same place where the “that wasn’t an obvious attempt at deflecting the topic” option is_

After a moment, he adds:

 **_space_hero:_ ** _it doesn’t exist_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Yep, got it._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _I think you might be more observant than you realize_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _It’s hard to tell, though, since you act like an idiot._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _hey!!_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _i’m not an idiot!!!_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _I agree~_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _but you act like one._

Kaito narrows his eyes at the words.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _idk what you’re trying to imply_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _also quit changing the topic_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _Aren’t you the one who said there’s no point in hiding stuff here?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _you told me you joined the program to find someone to talk to_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _so talk_

Usotsuki doesn’t respond for a while. As Kaito sits and waits, he keeps himself distracted by wondering how his conversation partner is reacting when they become quiet like this.

‘ _Annoyed? ...nah, they don’t hide it when they get mad. Maybe surprised?’_

Kaito decides he’s on the right track. He doesn’t feel like he’s saying anything that usotsuki doesn’t already know. It feels more like they’re surprised to hear someone understand their behaviour.

Still waiting, he scrolls upwards and rereads the latest part of their conversation—pausing when he gets to his own comment on how usotsuki might be able to figure him out so easily because they act in similar ways.

He frowns, but before he’s able to consider the implications of that idea, a rapid series of new messages fill up his screen.

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _youre right_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _im not used to sharing_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _you were also right earlier when you asked if I was trying to use the game I proposed as a way to get myself to talk_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _i’m not comfortable with the idea of sharing anything about myself with other people_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _but eventually I wondered what it’d be like_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _to share with someone_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _so I used this username to give me the option of backing out_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _so that I could maybe try_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _but I suppose, now that I’ve explained that to you, I can’t fall back on it._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Honestly, explaining myself like this feels like I’m betraying every natural instinct I have._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _It’s not exciting for me to try something new, nor is it difficult for me to adjust._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _its only horrifying_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _and the only reason I haven’t stopped is because I know you can relate_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _if it’s this hard for me, I feel compelled to learn how hard it is for you_

The natural objection dies before it reaches the keyboard. Kaito stares at his screen, never having experienced honesty feeling so uncomfortable.

An overwhelming surge of ideas for supportive and constructive comments fills his mind, but when he can’t help but feel the exact same way, they all sound like lies.

Begrudgingly he accepts that the only right thing to do here is be honest (and despises whatever part of his minds adds, _‘-for once.’)_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _it’s the scariest thing I’ve done_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _and considering some of the crazy stuff I’ve gone through, that’s something_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _taking care of other people, trusting and believing in them, and supporting them no matter what_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _all of that is easy_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _but even considering admitting to anyone that I struggle with anything is a freaking nightmare_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _I couldn’t even admit it to some anonymous people that don’t even know who I am_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _I can’t even admit to myself_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _youve already made lots of progress_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _that’s only cuz of you_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _So? I’m helping you._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _and I’m doing absolutely nothing_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _no_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _that’s not true_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _how?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _you’re willingly letting me help you_

Kaito pauses.

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _When have you ever done that before?_

He gulps. The red splotches of blood staining his teeth red are all but forgotten.

There’s no answer to usotsuki’s question.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _Whenever you had last been willingly honest with someone before._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _ha!_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _hero_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _you’re definitely not boring_

A hesitant smile grows on his face.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _Is that supposed to be a compliment?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _yep!_

He grins.

 **_space_hero:_ ** _alright then!_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _we’ve made a complete mess of our arrangement, by the way_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _that’s okay, we can start fresh next time_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Oh? You’d like to continue it?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _well you said it helps motivate yourself to talk, right?_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _that’s a good enough reason for me_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _and like you said, it keeps me from wanting to lie_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Well, then,_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _I’m looking forward to our future conversations (⌒▽⌒) /_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _so am I!_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _which feels weird writing out, because I know I completely dreaded the whole idea of this_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _thanks again for dealing with me_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _I’m just glad that you’re able to get help from someone_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _thanks for allowing yourself to confide in me_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _it even makes me feel better about myself~_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _good_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _noo_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _i was joking about that last bit_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _Sure..._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _And I hope you see the good that you’re doing_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _I’ll keep trying to think of a better nickname for you_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _you don’t really need to hide behind your current one anymore, right?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _I suppose_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _But remember, I’ll only change my username if you share with the group chat this Thursday._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _yeah yeah_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _that still sounds terrifying, but maybe a little less than before_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _and you’ll be there ^–^_

 **_space_hero:_ ** _and who knows, maybe you’ll share something too!_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _we’ll see about that_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _But it the meantime_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _Please take good care of yourself_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _If you feel tired, rest. If you feel ill, if you can’t ask anyone for help, at least don’t ignore it and deal with it._

 **_space_hero:_ ** _fine_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _promise?_

 ** _space_hero:_** _yes._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _oh_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _that was actually easier than I thought it would be_

 ** _space_hero:_** _I do need to take care of myself._

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _I’m curious about your motivation, but I’ll have to wait till next time_

 ** _space_hero:_** _you need to go?_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _I need to go check up on something_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _it doesn’t seem like our schedules line up too well_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _so if you ever need to talk about something, leave me messages, and I’ll respond when I can_

 ** _space_hero:_** _thanks_

 ** _space_hero:_** _same obviously goes for you_

 **_usotsuki:_ ** _: )_

 ** _usotsuki:_** _good night!_

**_usotsuki has gone offline_ **

_‘Night?’_ Kaito blinks, and glances out the window; a dark night sky surprises him. He checks the time to discover that it’s 7:23pm: a good enough time to go and grab dinner. Briefly he wonders if he should just skip dinner, but once again he motivates himself by reminding himself about the importance of keeping proper and healthy habits.

He rubs his eyes, strained from staring at a screen for too long. Letting out a sigh, he leans back in his chair; he relaxes his shoulders, and tries to alleviate some of the tension built up from his conversation.

Quietly, he focuses on breathing. In, out, in; eventually his muscles loosen up.

It continues well—until Kaito starts to think about what he just did, and suddenly everything closes in on itself again.

His hands try to curl up into a fist, but he splays them against his legs and then leans further back into his chair.

“I’m sick,” he states.

He notices the immediate urge from his leg to move, twitch, bounce—but he grips his knees tighter and maintains control over himself.

“I’m sick.” Kaito winces as the inevitable urge to deny this overwhelms him, but he maintains his strong hold.

If he could admit it to usotsuki, Kaito believes he can admit to himself.

He takes one more deep breath.

“It sucks, but it’ll be okay,” he decides. Smiling, Kaito makes himself a promise: “I’ll make sure of it.”

Maintaining his careful rhythm, Kaito keeps focusing on breathing as he allows himself to digest his own words.

Slowly he manages to convince himself that there’s no harm in accepting his illness—he’ll make sure that everything turns out okay.

_‘Don’t lie.’_

His breath hitches as usotsuki’s words flash before his eyes.

“I’m not lying,” he bites back. The words only reach the speaker, and only succeed in creating a small crack in his act of confidence.

Before he can argue—with _himself_ —any further, his stomach growls loudly.

 _‘No way I’m missing dinner again,’_ he complains. _‘Isn’t this the third day in a row?’_

He pulls his coat over a sleeve, slips on his shoes, and reaches for the doorknob—only to catch his reflection off the shining metal. Small trails of blood flowing down from mouth have dried, from the coughing fit that Kaito had tried to forget about.

Kaito scowls. He retreats back to his washroom to wash himself up, and tries not to think about how badly he had almost screwed up.

While he washes his hands, his breathing turns heavy and dark. “It’s okay,” he reminds himself. “Nothing happened.”

Before he leaves, he makes sure to check for anything else he might have missed. He quickly grabs a few tissues and covers the top of his trash bin, hiding any evidence of the bloody mess he made earlier.

He reaches for the doorknob once again, swinging his door open.

Kokichi, hand frozen reaching for the same doorknob, is visibly shocked.

Immediately Kaito attempts to close the door in his face, but just before it shuts, Kokichi moves, and struggles to push back against the door to keep it open.

“Don’t be mean—” the weaker boy gets out, “I just need—” he shoves, leaning all of his weight onto the door “to talk to you!”

Kaito leans one arm against the door, and huffs. “That’s what you said last time.” The pushing doesn’t stop. “And then you tried to frame me for beating you up.”

Kokichi doesn’t offer any sort of response, and Kaito moves his other hand to shut the door on the annoying kid.

He begins to properly close the door, and it’s just about an inch away from it being fully shut before Kokichi moves away from the door.

“I’m shocked that you have this much energy after getting a concussion,” he taunts.

Kaito freezes.

“After all, I hurt you so badly, didn’t I?” He hears a small sniff from the other side of the door. “I was so worried about you Kaito! I-I thought I’d never get the chance to apologize, a-and,” hiccup, “Kaito, what if—”

With a glare, he swings the door open. “Cut the bullshit, Kokichi.”

The liar grins at him. “That was a lie, obviously. I couldn’t care less about you, really.”

“The feeling’s mutual,” Kaito spits out. “Now do you want something? Or can you let me go get dinner in peace.”

Kokichi blinks innocently, and then pouts. “You never want to spend time with me!”

“Wha-” Kaito takes an involuntary step back out of shock. “Why do you keep bringing this up?”

The kid laughs. “Because your reactions are hi~larious!” Suddenly his expression turns serious. “Actually, I’m here for a reason.”

Kaito pauses, hesitantly giving him a chance to speak. “And what’s that?”

Kokichi casts his eyes to his hand, abruptly giving off a haughty glare. “Your precious Maki Roll stopped by last night to shout at me for _oh-so horrendously_ attacking you.”

Kaito… doesn’t feel surprised.

Kokichi huffs. “I don’t want to lie awake at night because I’m scared a murderer is going to come kill me, so can you tell your pet project that I apologized to you and that she can put away her favourite collection of knives?”

Kaito doesn’t know what to react to first, and before he’s able to form any sort of thought, Kokichi turns on his heel and walks away confidently.

The lunatic waves without glancing back. “Thank you _Kaito~!_ ”

“You’re wrong about Maki!” he shouts after him, but Kokichi dodges back into his own room, leaving Kaito and his opinions alone.

Mildly confused and very annoyed, Kaito marches to the dining hall. He manages to vent his anger out on the large portions of food he grabs. As he vigorously chews through a salad, the frustration eventually melts away.

_‘Kokichi was about to try entering my room—why would he bother coming to my room and then just leave right away?’_

Kaito pauses. _‘And since when does he care about what Maki Roll thinks anyway?’_

He tries to think back about what Maki could have said to him. It takes him a moment, but suddenly he recalls what they discovered in the hallway, and nearly spits out his water.

He runs his hands through his hair, panicking. “Shit. _Shit.”_

_‘The blood in the hallway. Maki Roll thinks it belongs to Kokichi, but it’s probably mine—if she brought it up when she talked to him, and Kokichi knows it didn’t belong to him, then he’ll wonder why she doesn’t know it’s mine, and then—shit!’_

Kaito angrily stuffs the rest of his meal into his mouth. _‘Screw all of this.’_

He chews, swallows, and promptly leaves the dining hall.

 _‘Everything will be alright,’_ he tells himself.

As he walks back to his room, gets ready for bed, and lies down in his cold room, he repeats the same thing over and over in his head, until he can almost believe it.

As his consciousness begins to fade, he hears a childish voice in his head.

_“But that’s a lie, isn’t it?”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a few moments in this chapter where an idea is presented, but never clearly stated. This is mostly because we're in Kaito's POV; for the most part, I can't write about things he doesn't think/know about. That especially becomes a problem whenever Kaito is trying very hard to deny something, or if he doesn't think about and thereby explain a thought he had because he's _actively trying not to think about it._ So if anything is confusing, leave a comment, and I'll gladly clarify!
> 
> The group chat discussion in this chapter is dedicated to anyone who has told me that they're trying to figure out how many v3 kids are in there, and who is who. I didn't think anyone would actually try, so it really made me happy <3 Good luck~!
> 
> This chapter's shout out goes to the HMW squad~ you're all amazing, and thanks making my weeks more fun.
> 
> Also thanks to everyone who's left kudos, bookmarked, or commented. It means a lot to me and it's my main motivation to keep writing! When I reply, I try to somewhat match the length of the comment, so I might not always say a lot, but I truly appreciate every comment (°◡°♡)
> 
> I've had more than a few people mention to me that this fic is hard to find... not sure what I can do about that, other than consider adding a "can be read as pre ou/mota" tag ┐(￣ヘ￣;)┌ ...or should I write a more informative description?

**Author's Note:**

> [Follow me here for updates and vague previews!](https://azure-v3.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> edit: As of Dec. 15th, I've re-uploaded all the chapters re-edited and containing a couple expanded or revamped areas.


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